Can I keep doing this

Can I keep doing that

Should I have done this

Was I wrong for doing that

Sometimes I get so bogged down by my own thoughts

That I’m scared to quit thinking

I tire myself

Literally make myself tired

From all the thinking I do, sometimes

The things that plague me at night, when I can’t sleep

Isn’t really just something I say

It’s something I live

Mostly it’s the same stuff

How can I help (fill in the blank with person’s name) tonight

Why is my mom mad at me this time, and how long will it last

How will I afford this

And can I keep this up

Occasionally it’s something more

Like how can I help myself

What will happen if I don’t do this

And take some time for myself

But that’s rare

Because somewhere along the track I’ve been following

These past 18 years

I was told

And believed

That doing for myself isn’t okay

Some of my friends even get pissed at me for it

I’ve had real arguments with people about why I won’t turn my phone off for a weekend

It just seems so selfish to hold people off so I can mope around and do nothing, anyway

Ya know?

I wish I could do on my phone like I do on AIM

Only allow certain people to get through with their calls

And everyone else would go to voicemail

And then at my voicemail, each message would be sorted

By level of importance

And to ease myself back into the norm

I would start with level 1 messages

Because they would be the least important

And work my way up to the level 3 stuff

Because they would be the most important

But by the time I had enough strength

To deal with level 3 stuff

It would have worked out on it’s own

And my services would not be necessary

And it’s not always about solving problems

But just letting people know they can call

To just talk

If they want to

Because there was one time I didn’t go with my instinct

And talk to someone

And he’s no longer here with us

I mean I don’t really blame myself for that

Logically I know I probably wouldn’tve stopped anything

But there’s always that “what if” that plays around in your mind

And you wonder….